If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly and pray the Lord your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time that I would see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word, so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time, I could spare an extra minute or two,
to stop and say that "I love you," Instead of assuming that you KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time I would be there to share your day,
well, I'm sure you'll have so many more, so I can let this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow to make up for an oversight,
And we always get a second chance to make everything all right.

There will always be another day to say our "I love you's"
And certainly there's another chance to say our "Anything I can do's."

But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you and hope we never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved ones tight.

So, if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day,

That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, a kiss,
And you were to busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today, whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them, And that you'll always hold them dear.

Take the time to say "I'm sorry" "please forgive me," "thank you" or "It's ok."

talked with the dr today and got my new chemo schedule.........another 4 rounds different meds this time and then another scan to see where we are at........ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........i hate it but choices are limited

i still haven't told the kids about the new round of treatment...i decided to wait until after our trip so they wouldn't have it on their minds and they could relax and enjoy.......guess i need to tell them soon since i start treatment again on friday

this is the part that i really hate

That's the big question on my mind these days
After spending a few days "back home" I no longer know where I belong
It was so nice spending time relaxing and catching up with my mom but I immediately knew I wasn't where i belonged anymore....something that is very hard for me to understand after I have spent my entire life calling it home....bad thing is I feel like I don't belong here either

I don't know where I should be...maybe nowhere......i feel really lost and confused right now

Yep I'm pissed.........i don't get this way very often but I am pissed.....Last night I took the kids to their youth group meeting..every wednesday night, they never miss lol.....so i dropped them off and came back home....the house was quiet and so was i...i went into my room for a little relax time and my friends were in their room......obviously they didn't hear me come in, because pretty soon I hear them in the front room and thay are talking about me and my daughter....and the things they were saying were not kind.....Katie is 9 although she looks and acts much older most of the time.....but once in a while you can see something she does and say "yep she's 9 lol".....9 yr olds plop down on the couch instead of sitting down, 9 yr old to things even though you have told them a million times not to...that is what a nine yr old does..............i confronted them about what they were saying and got typical double talk..........BULLSHIT!!! told them if they felt that way about my kid then I had no business being here...................and i meant it!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mess with me all you want, but don't fuck with my kids EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK I admit it I am flat exhausted...not been sleeping well for about a week now and didn't sleep at all last night. Some days the physical pain is overwhelming, even with the pain killers...i hate taking them...they either bring me down so completely that my thoughts are terrible or they make me run my mouth way too much say things I shouldn't say.

I am hoping my trip back home will help with my sleep. I need to do this, to make sure some things are taken care of, things need to be said .......just in case.I need to see my mom and make sure she is going to be ok. And I need the time away to just breathe..............just breathe

I've had soem alone time recently, something I don't get very much of. With the kids busy with school and stuff they tend to keep my very busy so time to myself is a very short commodity. But lately I have found myself so very lonely, sometimes even when they are here. I sit(or lay with the laptop) at my computer and even though the world resides here online, I sometimes feel like I am completely alone in this world. I hate this feeling! My online friends say "come talk to me", but it always makes me feel so damn guilty when I do. I always feel like I am bothering them, that they have things they want or need to be doing, and that I am taking up their valuable time.

I soooooo crave adult contact. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, they are my entire world. But once in awhile I would love to just sit and talk to an adult or hug a friend or get a smile.

Wow I hadn't really realized how long it had been since I have written here but its been a couple of weeks. I need to do this more. I am letting things build up inside me, feelings that I do not want, so I know I need to express them even if only for me.

I learned this week just how exhausting all of this is to my friends. I hadn't realized that my illness was taking such a large toll of them. But I found out the hard way that they are exhausted and drained, and I need to let them off the hook so to speak. Let them know that I understand, that they can back away, that they CAN'T be there for me. And you know I DO understand that, so I am backing away. Some won't tell me because they are afraid of hurting my feelings or upsetting me, but I know they need it too. So I will back away, give them space, stay my distance, and try not to bother anyone. I hope this gives them the space they need, I don't want anyone to feel obligated or responsible to be there for me. Its not fair to them.

That's the question I am asking myself tonight. I have an awful feeling about everything.Biopsy Monday...Results Wednesday...the black cloud hanging over me. I know the news will be bad, I can feel it. The end is at hand. What are my kids going to do? How will they make it? They are so damn young, so much ahead of them that I won't be there to share. This is the time when they need me the most and I won't be here. How do I prepare them? How do I prepare myself for what is about to happen?

This world is slipping away from me and I am powerless to stop it. So many regrets...So much pain...

Time is running short, ever churning closer to the end. I look at things so differently than before. I can see the end now. When we are young, we think we are invincable, that nothing can ever touch us, that we will be here forever. Its not true. Time is always marching away, dragging us, kicking and screaming, towards the final end. For some of us, it is closer than others. Time grows short and I am weary.

Another round of chemo over finally..... Just one more round to go....This has to be it. I know I can't physically or emotionally do anymore of this. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I feel so drained. One good thing...I didn't lose my hair like I thought I would. I kept picturing me bald and kept thinking I would be a dead ringer for the Michellen Man from the tire commercials. Bald and just roll after roll.


I really want to get back to Indiana for a few days soon. It feels like forever since I have seen my mom. I miss her. So just as soon as the dr oks it for me to travel the kids and I are flying home for a few days. I need it.